It's a crossword, not a screenplay.

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Across
  1. 1. Italian economy car
  2. 5. top flight, versatile session drummer; last name begins with a generic term for a brown soft drink
  3. 8. affectionate, sometimes ballsy kitty with monovision
  4. 11. tools sold new exclusively at Home Depot
  5. 14. 32BJ is our region's local of this union; Nick would also fire BJ if she joined
  6. 15. dumbass name for a clothing store
  7. 19. rotating speaker commonly paired with jazz organs; also a caution light placed on III's plow truck
  8. 20. lingering busboy in the old Langhorne Speedway Diner
  9. 22. This Franklin didn't discover electricity, but he did become a hit gospel artist
  10. 24. African name meaning "my turn"
  11. 27. series of U.S. savings bonds guaranteed to double in value in 20 years
  12. 28. units of land area
  13. 29. small, spherical green vegetable grown in pods
  14. 30. unsettling, usually asynchronous noise and/or chatter
  15. 32. contender for coveted title of "Best F***in' Water" you've ever had
  16. 34. American jazz drummer known for his tom-tom solo on Benny Goodman's "Sing, Sing, Sing"
  17. 36. sets of musical staves, especially on a conductor's score, showing all parts simultaneously
  18. 37. how to soften a rock-hard Fritz's cake or pastry
  19. 41. SI unit of energy absorbed from ionizing radiation
  20. 43. dependable standby for Italian fare in Richboro and Warminster
  21. 44. found in front of most entrance doors
  22. 46. Greek letter relating to summation notation; also a famous Philadelphia recording studio
Down
  1. 2. 1990's Walmart ads promised, "______ low prices. ______."
  2. 3. albatross brand owned by Bayer AG
  3. 4. Grammy-winning guitarist who transcribed and later toured with Frank Zappa (last name)
  4. 5. fast casual chicken chain whose motto is "one love"
  5. 6. casino town dubbed as "America's Favorite Playground"
  6. 7. three-letter agency that mandates large, yellow "EnergyGuide" tags be conspicuously attached to all major home appliances
  7. 9. prized gun lobbying organization despised by commies and revered by conservatives
  8. 10. recommended prophylactic in case the Reds decide to push the button down
  9. 12. inappropriate stare, usually directed at an attractive dame accompanied by whistling and other catcalls
  10. 13. instrument played on "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole
  11. 16. Chevrolet truck premium trim level
  12. 17. tribe of seers who knew you all along
  13. 18. airmen depend on this device; hikers also prefer to use one
  14. 21. classes offered in high school that translate to college credits upon passing the curriculum
  15. 23. maker of premium home audio equipment founded in 1953 as Tokyo Television Acoustic Company
  16. 24. nautical call to greet someone
  17. 25. U.S. air traffic controllers' employer
  18. 26. French Hawaiian "Renaissance man"
  19. 31. diamond motif signifying wealth and status originating in 17th-century Scotland
  20. 33. legacy LPT1 printer cables used to be advertised as approved by this nonprofit tech organization along with 1394 "firewire" cables
  21. 34. korean car company acronym
  22. 35. alarm and security monitoring company
  23. 38. not Rameses B, but Mr. Farish
  24. 39. warmer than Greenland with less ice
  25. 40. inventor of the elevator safety brake
  26. 41. the bigger they come, the harder they fall
  27. 42. legalized theft ring with global reach
  28. 45. periodic table abbreviation for calcium