Across
- 1. "Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass."
- 6. "With great hotness comes great responsibility."
- 7. "You're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh."
- 8. "Sons? I was gonna say brothers. It's like a house of pain"
- 11. "Yes, my bad boy prom date is gay. He just doesn't know it yet, so I'm basically his beard. Pre-beard. His stubble."
- 12. "I can't go to jail. I'm a gay prosecutor, there's no prison gangs for that!"
- 14. "I want a white Christmas. You know, like white people have."
- 19. "This is exactly how it started out when I found out my father wasn't really in space."
- 20. "You'll never go broke playing to a rich man's ego. Write that down."
Down
- 2. "Books? Wake up and smell the internet, grandma."
- 3. "I have 3 children, I've been tired since 2005."
- 4. "Look into his eyes. I don't care what the doctor says. I give him six months."
- 5. "I like stealing. It makes my heart go fast."
- 9. "I'll admit it- I'm turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams... Wait a minute."
- 10. "Tell your guncles hello like I taught you."
- 13. "Sometimes, when you read to me, I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go."
- 15. "I'm so racked with guilt. I keep giving money to different charities. I even fronted a Zach Braff movie on Kickstarter."
- 16. "I'm 85. Death is my roommate."
- 17. "That was very cool but you should know that I have dedicated my life to closets, I am obsessed with you grandfather."
- 18. "I'll put on a polo and a pair of khakis and maybe people will think we're just a couple of golf buddies who decided to have a kid together."