Getting Old

2. Bathroom visits that become a regular midnight hobby
4. Person you see more frequently than your own children
5. Force that becomes increasingly aggressive toward body parts after 50
9. Glasses that let you see both your phone and the person you're ignoring while using it
10. Things you officially no longer understand or care to follow
13. Morning ritual involving more pills than a pharmacy inventory
16. Thing that works perfectly for recalling 1970s song lyrics but forgets why you walked into the kitchen
17. Collection of information you've written down in fifteen different places and still can't find
18. Consolation prize for losing everything else while aging

1. Fantasy involving hammocks that reality replaces with part-time jobs
3. Breakfast supplement taken after attempting activities you did effortlessly at 25
6. Object perpetually lost despite never leaving the living room
7. Dietary obsession replacing everything you actually enjoyed eating
8. Activity that transitions from childhood punishment to retirement goal
9. Hour that gets increasingly earlier with each passing decade
10. Stuff that was once intuitive but now requires assistance from someone who wasn't born when you got your first job
11. Parts of your body that now make announcements when you stand up
12. Process that now comes with sound effects and disclaimers
14. Body parts that suddenly develop their own weather forecasting abilities
15. TV setting that neighbors can hear despite your insistence it's "barely on"