Thanksgiving

1. The only reason you agreed to sit through a three-hour dinner with your extended family.
3. Seasoned soggy bread cubes that everyone fights over, despite it looking highly questionable.
5. The dinner roll you use as a sponge to wipe your plate clean because manners don't count today.
6. A mysterious, baked combination of canned goods topped with fried onions to make it look intentional.
8. A tart fruit that spends 364 days a year ignored, only to be served in the exact shape of a metal can.

1. A legal excuse to consume an entire stick of butter and a cup of heavy cream in a single sitting.
2. A giant orange gourd that tastes completely mediocre until you drown it in sugar and whipped cream.
4. A giant bird that takes 14 hours to thaw, 6 hours to bake, and 10 minutes to induce a massive food coma.
6. Apple juice's dramatic cousin who shows up every October wearing a scarf and pretending to be fancy.
7. The liquid miracle used to rescue your relative's incredibly dry, overcooked poultry.